I have seen The Nutcracker more in the last few years than the entirety of my life before the pandemic, I think. I've become closer to a friend who goes every year without fail. (I may need to break away from this, 'cuz it's enjoyable, but I don't actually need to see the same show Every Single Year.)

I have idle thoughts about a Nutcracker AU because my mind tends to drift off and fanfic everything.

Like... Victorian America and a big house and a party, like the ballet. Only the kid isn't a young girl and the daughter of the house, but Steve Rogers and he's the orphaned son of the nurse who saved the lady of the manor. So the family feels responsible for him, but also, he's so scrawny and sick, they figure they're helping him spend his last few years peacefully.

And the nutcracker isn't the treasured gift but sorta an 'oops, we need a present for this kid.' Steve doesn't realize this, he's ecstatic, admiring the painting of the object. He's artistic and appreciates fine woodworking. He goes to bed with his nutcracker clasped to his breast. It's Victorian times, so he wears a white nightgown that hangs to the middle of his calves. He dreams that the nutcracker comes alive. Picture Bucky with the white ballet tights clinging to the sculpted muscles of his thighs, wearing a blue-gray satiny shirt that matches his eyes with silver epaulets on the shoulders, the Winter Soldier nutcracker.

The two dance around the living room, by the huge Christmas tree festooned with sparkly ornaments, the only light the moonlight shining in. Steve feels so wonderful, as he leaps into his nutcracker's arms and is caught and swung around. His white nightgown floats around his thin legs, catching on his partner's tights.

Different possible endings: the Mouse King or a sorcerer? Transform Steve into a nutcracker, tall and proud. In the morning, the family find both nutcrackers and are perplexed, did Steve steal one from somewhere else? If so, why did he leave both? Did he run away? They place the nutcrackers together on the fireplace mantle and eventually forget about the orphaned child that they didn't really want, but every Christmas Eve (full moon?), the nutcrackers come alive and Steven and Bucky dance around and have adventures with the fairies. That feels sorta old-fashioned fairy tale ending, mysterious and romantic but a little sad.

Or Bucky transforms into a person, and in the morning, Steve wakes, wondering why he's so warm, and rolls over to see Bucky cuddled in bed with him. He invents a story about a strange, lost boy, and the family is a little 'sigh, another one?' but accept him. And the two grow up and are happy together for the rest of their lives.

New cat is suddenly molesting me as I try to type this, I think she wants dinner early.

Would anyone like a gift membership for the Substack Non-Boring History?

https://annettelaing.substack.com/

I have three to give away, Substack has reminded me.

I think I need your name (or a name anyway) and the email address where you want to receive the newsletters. I'll mark comments to be screened in case you want to give me one you don't normally associate with your DW.

I was feeding the cats their wet food this morning, and paused for a second, and remembered to split it into three. I've recently lost two older cats, one unexpectedly, the other after a lingering illness. I've gone from having four for many years, to briefly five, and then back to four and now to three.

Loss makes me think of Data's quote: "As I experience certain sensory input patterns, my mental pathways become accustomed to them. The input is eventually anticipated and even 'missed' when absent."

I remember watching that episode and thinking it was an interesting way to justify an android having emotions, but I have reflected back on it often over the years when dealing with grief, and how much routines can increase loss.

My mom was the worst, because I was very close to her and we often did things together. She was gone and I missed her but also so many... we both watched these shows and discussed them the next day, who do I talk about them with? Do I go clothes shopping by myself or can I find a friend who will be as encouraging as she was?

Maybe that sounds heartlessly practical or self-absorbed? This person is gone and how does it impact my life? But I've lost people like my paternal grandparents where I was very sad but also, they lived three hours away, our getting together was semi-regular but also sporadic. It wasn't tied to any particular activity except Thanksgiving, and then we continued going down to see other relatives in that city. For me, it's a different type of grief when it's not tied to routines. It's just this general sadness rather than coming up to event and knowing you have to do it alone. Or find a replacement.

I guess my situation is sorta the reverse of Data's, he found routines built emotions, while I'm dealing with absence requiring new routines to be built. But still, I find that quote to be poignantly relevant. Data was a wise man.

My nephew has already found a new kitty for me, but he still has a month to be weaned. So we'll see. Maybe I'll go back to fourths on the wet food in January.