Things I have Learned in the Army

[piplover]

Just some things that I have learned since I joined the Army. Cut for some adult themes and general grossness. The Army is mostly male oriented, after all.

General Things

1)  It is possible to sleep not only standing up, but while walking with a 50 lb pack on your back and carrying a rifle.   

2)  When only given 5 minutes to eat an entire meal, one acomplishes this feat better if one does not get anything hot, requireing a lot of chewing, and can be squashed and mixed together to form a lumpy goo that can be shovelled into the mouth with haste.  And yes, the phrase eat it now and taste it later is actually true.

3)  After wearing boots for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, one cannot feel their toes.  This can be a blessing when one forms a large blister on said toes.

4)  One is not miserable until one is 4 things:  cold, wet, tired, and hungry.  If you are only three of the 4, you are mearly uncomfortable.

5)  It is not being completely soaked that is the problem.  It is the getting completely soaked that is uncomfortable.  Once one is drenched, you no longer shudder at the rain rolling down your back, as your back is already wet.

6)  Never, ever, ever tuck your shirt into your underwear.  You never know when you will be required to do something in sand.

7)  When a person has not slept for over 48 hours, thinking and speaking at the same time become nearly impossible, stupid things become funny, and one aquires a habbit if listing to the left when walking.

8)  When in the field and unable to shower for 3 or more days, baby wipes become not only your best friend, but the friend of those forced to sleep near you.

9)  Always drink water.  This will cure everything from constipation to a broken arm. 

10)  Friendship is everything.  With friends, even the most terrible times can be turned into something you can bear with a minimul of griping. 

Adult and Gross Lessons Learned

1)  When woken up at 3 in the morning and forced to walk 12 miles, after the 6th mile you no longer care who sees you pee, because you have to go and you only have 5 minutes!

2)  Sleeping bags are called fart sacks for a reason.

3)  When you are the only female amongst a group of 20 guys, you learn really quick that modesty is an outdated consept, and if you want to have clean clothes and a baby wipe sponge bath before bed, you had better get over it. 

4)  People complain that allowing men and women to share a tent is wrong and will lead to thoughts of wrongdoings.  I can safely say that after seeing teamates in their underwear after not bathing for 3 days and watching them pick their nose, fart, belch, and scratch themselves, all thoughts of sex are quickly banished.

5)  When amongst a group of guys, farting is inevtiable.  If you wish to keep their respect, you must learn to be proud or your bodily noises and claim truly foul smells.  This earns you points and allows them to feel more comfotable around you.

6)  When in the field with 12 hours of mind numbing boredom staring you in the face, it is not a good idea to fall asleep in a hidden niche, as someone is bound to find you and paint shoe polish mustaches and other designes on your face.  I plead the fifth of any part in doing such a thing.

7)  Having to tell your male sgt that you are on your period is not nearly as embarrasing as having him dig your cathole for you so you can pee because you have a broken foot and can't do it yourself. 

8)  When a fellow soldier's idea of fun is to walk past and fart on you, the only true from of revenge is to lock them in a tiny space after emmitting a rather foul odor.  See number 5.

9)  When one runs out of clean underwear in the field, with no chance of doing laundry for several days, the following may be applied:  inside, outside, forwards, and back.  Use only during times of extreme conditions, however.  Even soildiers have limits.

10)  Freindship and dangerouse times outwiegh civilized conventions.  When one looses a toothbrush, and there is no place to aquire a new one within 3 days riding distance, it is perfectly acceptable to use a friend's. 

Well, those are some of the things I have learned while living in the Army.  Isn't it nice to see what goes on behind the facade?

Comments

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

I learned some of those things in the Air Force.... but not all of them. (Is grateful for lack of long marches. Really regrets signing up to work in a small trailer without windows for twelve hour shifts with three guys.)

[piplover.livejournal.com]

LOL! Ewww! I have to work in a shelter. which is about he size of a bathroom, but with less room, and we usually have about 4 of us in there. Let me tell you, even if it's 20 below, that door stays open!

[rabidsamfan.livejournal.com]

When you work telecomm, you can't have the door open, in case someone's trying to pick emissions for a message in the clear at the same time it's been encoded. It could get pretty ripe.

[auntiemeesh.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, I've learned at least one of things working in daycare. It's hilarious to see the kids sleeping while out taking a walk around the neighborhood. As long as someone holds their hand, they keep going.

Btw, I enjoyed out chat on New Year's eve. Did you get any writing done? I wrote about two paragraphs and then gave it up as a bad job, lol.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

LOL! That is sooo cute! I never thought a person could sleep while walking, but I proved myself wrong at basic.
I did get two stories finished, and am working on the third. I think I should get drunk more often, lol, as Marigold loved the story! I thouroughly enjoyed our chat, too, and can't wait to have some more!

[primsong.livejournal.com]

My daughter is in a class at school that is almost entirely guys (she completely agrees about the bodily emissions being part and parcel of the experience) I can only imagine - and sympathize! I wonder what sort of enrollment surge the Army would have if it were a little less harsh? But then, what would happen when it got rough out there? I can't help but wonder sometimes. Go you!...and good luck rediscovering your toes.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

LOL! Your poor daughter! When I was at basic, it was the hardest thing I ever did, but also the best. I am glad in a way that it was so harsh, because now I look at what it's like in the field and can say, "Hey, this isn't so bad!"
Of course, going days without a shower is pretty gross, but its also one of those things that actually brings us closer together. In a non-physical way. It's nasty when you can start to smell yourself.
As for my toes, lol, I asked my Drill Sgt if it was normal to loose all sensation in your toes. His reply?
"For normal people? No. For soldiers? Yes."
It was funny watching people stick pins in their toes to try and see if they could feel it.

[sila-lumenn.livejournal.com]

LOL! Thank you for the best laugh I've had in three days. Isn't life grand?!

*tight hugs*

[piplover.livejournal.com]

BIG HUGS!!!!!
I'm glad it made you laugh. About 95 percent of that stuff happened to me, or I did to someone else. The other 5 percent I heard about from people who were in the war.
I never got to thank you for the Christmas card you sent me! I'm sorry I wasn't able to send you one back, my computer has been have another mid-life crisis, and I have been having trouble getting it to do anything besides flash nasty messages and freeze up on me. Sigh.