Things I have Learned in the Army

[piplover]

Just some things that I have learned since I joined the Army. Cut for some adult themes and general grossness. The Army is mostly male oriented, after all.

General Things

1)  It is possible to sleep not only standing up, but while walking with a 50 lb pack on your back and carrying a rifle.   

2)  When only given 5 minutes to eat an entire meal, one acomplishes this feat better if one does not get anything hot, requireing a lot of chewing, and can be squashed and mixed together to form a lumpy goo that can be shovelled into the mouth with haste.  And yes, the phrase eat it now and taste it later is actually true.

3)  After wearing boots for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, one cannot feel their toes.  This can be a blessing when one forms a large blister on said toes.

4)  One is not miserable until one is 4 things:  cold, wet, tired, and hungry.  If you are only three of the 4, you are mearly uncomfortable.

5)  It is not being completely soaked that is the problem.  It is the getting completely soaked that is uncomfortable.  Once one is drenched, you no longer shudder at the rain rolling down your back, as your back is already wet.

6)  Never, ever, ever tuck your shirt into your underwear.  You never know when you will be required to do something in sand.

7)  When a person has not slept for over 48 hours, thinking and speaking at the same time become nearly impossible, stupid things become funny, and one aquires a habbit if listing to the left when walking.

8)  When in the field and unable to shower for 3 or more days, baby wipes become not only your best friend, but the friend of those forced to sleep near you.

9)  Always drink water.  This will cure everything from constipation to a broken arm. 

10)  Friendship is everything.  With friends, even the most terrible times can be turned into something you can bear with a minimul of griping. 

Adult and Gross Lessons Learned

1)  When woken up at 3 in the morning and forced to walk 12 miles, after the 6th mile you no longer care who sees you pee, because you have to go and you only have 5 minutes!

2)  Sleeping bags are called fart sacks for a reason.

3)  When you are the only female amongst a group of 20 guys, you learn really quick that modesty is an outdated consept, and if you want to have clean clothes and a baby wipe sponge bath before bed, you had better get over it. 

4)  People complain that allowing men and women to share a tent is wrong and will lead to thoughts of wrongdoings.  I can safely say that after seeing teamates in their underwear after not bathing for 3 days and watching them pick their nose, fart, belch, and scratch themselves, all thoughts of sex are quickly banished.

5)  When amongst a group of guys, farting is inevtiable.  If you wish to keep their respect, you must learn to be proud or your bodily noises and claim truly foul smells.  This earns you points and allows them to feel more comfotable around you.

6)  When in the field with 12 hours of mind numbing boredom staring you in the face, it is not a good idea to fall asleep in a hidden niche, as someone is bound to find you and paint shoe polish mustaches and other designes on your face.  I plead the fifth of any part in doing such a thing.

7)  Having to tell your male sgt that you are on your period is not nearly as embarrasing as having him dig your cathole for you so you can pee because you have a broken foot and can't do it yourself. 

8)  When a fellow soldier's idea of fun is to walk past and fart on you, the only true from of revenge is to lock them in a tiny space after emmitting a rather foul odor.  See number 5.

9)  When one runs out of clean underwear in the field, with no chance of doing laundry for several days, the following may be applied:  inside, outside, forwards, and back.  Use only during times of extreme conditions, however.  Even soildiers have limits.

10)  Freindship and dangerouse times outwiegh civilized conventions.  When one looses a toothbrush, and there is no place to aquire a new one within 3 days riding distance, it is perfectly acceptable to use a friend's. 

Well, those are some of the things I have learned while living in the Army.  Isn't it nice to see what goes on behind the facade?