piplover: (Default)
Thing and I talked today, and we both agreed that things probably aren't going to change in a month.  So we officially broke up.  We still want to be friends, and I'm hoping that since we were only dating for 3 months it won't be hard to do that.  Still.  I really liked him, and it was nice to be liked in turn.  

I think I'm going to have a few drinks, put in a movie, and try to forget the world for a while.  I've had a migraine the past two days, and I'm pretty tired of the world right now.  Sorry if I'm not around for a bit, but I think I need to feel sorry for myself for at least a few days before I try to bounce back.  


You all take care

piplover: (Broken)
Just found out my mom has to put one of her dogs to sleep.  This week officially sucks. 


Aug. 9th, 2009 12:12 pm
piplover: (Ianto)
Feeling particularly ugly today.  I'm trying to use less makeup, and since the only people I interact with when I'm at work are others fellow employees, some of who wear their pajamas, lol, I thought I could do it.  But I feel so self conciouse, like everyone is looking at me and thinking how horrible I look.  Which I know is not the truth, and I have to keep reminding myself that.  But that's how it feels. Not even Thing 1 telling me how pretty I am and that I'm beautiful to him helps.  Because a small part of me that wants to just hide in the corner thinks that no one should find me beautiful.  

A big part is the scars.  I never appreciated my complexion before I got all scarred up, and now it's all I can think about.  If I'm not wearing makup to cover them up, I feel like everyone must be staring at me.  And even when I wear makeup, I know people can still see that.

A lot of this is just a mental block I have to try and get through, but I can't help feeling like the only way I can be pretty again is if I put on a sack to cover my weight and a veil over my face.  Sigh.  

Still Alive

Jul. 8th, 2009 12:03 am
piplover: (sorrow)
Hey, everyone. Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I was super busy 4th of July weekend and then work kind of got crazy. Today I spent with Boy-who-I-am-dating and basically zooming around the city shopping.

Got my new glasses in today, yay! I look way cool, for a geek, and I can see again!

Not much happening. Work is going good, so I'm still hoping to be converted to a regular instead of a seasonal. Although it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life, it is a good paying job and the people are really great. So, here's hoping I can keep kicking butt and they decide they want to keep me.

Have been fighting depression the past few days. Even though everything is going well and there really isn't a reason, I've been sinking slowly again. Gar. I have a doctor's appointment next week and hopefully we'll figure something out. Had a bunch of lab work done and it turns out I have a Vitamin D deficiency, which probably explains a lot.  I plan on spending as much time as I can stand outside in the sunshine tomorrow.  It's been in the 100s F, though, so I may just have to settle for taking a supplement. 

The big thing for me, I guess, is that I'm actually dating again.  And I'm not sure how I'm handling it.  I think this may also be part of the depression.  I've been alone for so long that I'm having trouble just letting go and having fun when we go out.  It's almost like - like I have to learn how to trust again.  Does that make sense?  

I do enjoy spending time with Boy and doing things with him, but I think he wants to go faster than I do.  Not sex, but relationship wise.  He asked me to spend the night at his place next week, but we've only really been dating for two weeks or so.  That's - really pretty quick.  I told him I'd have to think about it, because I don't want to rush anything and at this point, I'm having enough trouble processing the thought that I actually have someone to do stuff with and to flirt with.  

My dating skills are rusty, sigh. 

Ok, tired now and heading to bed.  Sorry if this was a little off.  I took some meds that seemed to creep up on me as I was typing and now my brain is foggy.  You all take care, talk to you later.  

piplover: (Ianto)
This week was my first week of 4/10s, working from 7am to 6pm.  And being on the phones every day.  For the most part it went all right,but today I ended up hiding in the bathroom in tears.  Possibly because my period started today and I was just extra emotional, because the call wasn't even mean, just very, very frustrating.  My last call was awesome, though, so I'm feeling a bit better.

I have tomorrow off, then officially start working on Sun, since we've still been training this week.  Am I scared?  Oh, hell yes!  Honestly, the reason I haven't been online much this past week was because I would come home, feed the cats, and then study as much as I could to try and get a handle on everything.  

Still... I felt like the biggest loser today after that call, like I couldn't do anything right and why did they hire me again?  I'm really hoping that Sunday is better and I don't feel like a complete idiot.  I've had the longest call times of my group, which isn't good, and they actually were supposed to have someone sit with me today to listen in and do a bit more training, which is just embarrassing.  I keep having to remind myself that I can do this job, and that I'm not going to blow it with every call I get.  I just - I really felt like crap today, and I can't even remember the last time I cried so hard.  

I think I'm going to cuddle my cats for a bit, take a hot bath, then go to bed and try to forget about today.  
piplover: (love2)
Here it is, New Year's Eve, and I realize that I have like three friends here in AZ. And all of them are busy doing other things tonight. So I bought a bottle of Bahama Mama and plan to get completely and utterly shit faced tonight. Sloshed. Three sheets to the wind. Granted, I would probably have more fun if I had someone to drink with, but I guess I can't have everything.
So, Happy New Year's, and I hope your night goes better than mine.
piplover: (soldier)
The past few days I have been feeling rather like the stuff you find in the bottom of the sink drain. Not physically, as I have been feeling all right, but mentally drained. I think part of it is being so far from home. Granted, I get to go home for Christmas this year, which is a dream come true, but for the most part, I am missing out on being with my family. My first Christmas away from home was terrible. I was in Korea, and it was terribly cold, though it had not snowed very much. It was a biting cold that seemed to get into your bones and leave you shivering even an hour after you were warm back in your bed. We had been pulling guard duty since Thanksgiving, as the Koreans were rioting and there had been some incidents of them breaking onto posts and injuring Americans. At first it was 24 hour duty, pulling QRF. That stands for Quick Reaction Force. We slept on icky smelling cots in an abandoned laundry on post, with the walls and windows all boarded up and drafty. We had space heaters placed about the room, but we couldn't take even our boots off, in case we were needed at a moment's notice. After a time, we started to pull gaurd in 8 hour shifts. I pulled from either 5pm to 1 in the morning, or from 1am to 9. I was one of the lucky ones who got Christmas day off. My boyfriend at the time was what really pulled me through. We made macaroni and cheese for Christmas dinner, because the defac was close, and none of the Korean resturants really celebrated Christmas. I think the hardest part, however, aside from being so far away from my family, was that there were no Christmas movies. Silly, isn't it? There I was, far from home, and the straw that broke the camel's back was no Christmas movies. My family always watched movies on Christmas, eating pizza Christmas eve, drinking hot chocolate, and watching the fire burn down before going to bed. I guess now I'm thinking of all my friends who are so far from home and family. My best friend, Adam, who just got engaged over the phone, and has only seen his girl once in a year. My fiance, who I have not seen in a year, and who I worry about constantly. So many of my brothers and sisters are away from home this Christmas, and I wish, in some odd way, that I could be there with them. Because I guess the one thing I learned in Korea that I hold so dearly to my heart is this: Some days, all we have is each other. My Drill Sgt at Basic used to tell us, "Just get through until lunch, and you will be all right." After lunch, he would tell us, "Just get through until dinner, and you will be all right." After dinner, it was, "Just get through until you can sleep." I guess that all we can do when things start to seem too much, is take it minute by minute. Just make it through until I can sleep. Just make it through until breakfast. Just make it through. And it will be all right. It will be all right. I'm sorry if this rambled on, and for those of you who read the whole thing, I am very impressed. Take care, all, and talk to you soon.
piplover: (mourning)
Well, I guess I'm about to bite the bullet tomorrow, and quite frankly I'm not worried. I've had it with everything that is going on here, and I'm sick of this whole damn place. People talking about me behind my back, buddy fuckers everywhere I look, and now they are sending me to the field tomorrow. My 1st Sgt just called and I told him straight up I don't want to be in his Company anymore. He told me he wants to see me in his office at 6 am tomorrow. Whoopdy-fucking-do. He said he's going to bring me up on disrepect because I told my Sgt I don't want to be in Delta anymore, and I'm not going to back out of this. This is fucking stupid!
I can't stand this place anymore. I don't know what they are going to do to me, but if you don't hear from me for a while, it's probably because I'm in trouble, in the field, or both. So I guess I'm just saying that I'm probably screwing myself over, and I don't care. I feel terrible, and my 1st Sgt had the balls to tell me not to play with him. He told me he was going to talk to my doctor, and I told him go ahead, if he wants a stool stample or some of my vomit, he's welcome to it. I just don't care anymore.
I don't know what is going to happen, but I ask all of you to pray for me, because this is probably me jumping off a cliff, with no bottom in sight.
So, to everyone who has been following this harrowing past few days, good bye, I don't know when we'll speak next, and I hope you are doing better than me.
piplover: (mourning)
Please feel free to skip.

Read more... )
piplover: (Default)
Has anyone ever had one of those days where you feel pointless and stupid for no reason at all? I'm having one of those days. I know part of it is my illness, and another is that I haven't had any money for the past week, and am getting a litle anxious to pay my bills, but knowing the cause doesn't always help.
I just hate feeling miserable on a lovely day when there is nothing to be miserable about. *Sigh*
piplover: (hope)
It's almost midnight here, but my mind won't let me sleep yet. I figured maybe if I put some of my thoughts down it would let me sleep. I'll put this behind a cut, because it is rather long.

Read more... )
piplover: (soldier)
Well, everyone, I'm back, and I can honestly say that this last week was probably the longest, most painful week ever of my life. Not only physically, but mentally as well.
It began on Monday, when we got to the field. It was about 100 degrees outside, fahrenheit, and I started to have a lot of problems. They tried to give me an IV, in three different places, and since the person trying to poke me kept missing the vein, I now have three lovely pinpricks on both arms and my hand. And I never did get the IV.
Then, that night, as we are trying to set up our sleep tent, I go to talk to my friend in the shelter, and the ladder I am standing on slips. I fall, smash my knee into the lip of the shelter door, get caught up in some wires, and fall off the ladder. I have never felt such intense pain before in my life.
Luckily, my knee was not seriously damaged, and I didn't have to go the hospital, but they left me, laying on the cold ground with a bag of ice on my knee, in the rain, for about 30 minutes, while one of my sgts held a meeting to tell us what worthless pieces of shit we all were.
Finally, when they did come back for me, and decided that I didn't have to go the hospital and stood me up to make sure I could put pressure on my leg, I look over and what do I see?
Not two minutes after I am stood up, a giant tarantula calmly walks through our camouflage, right where I had been laying. Of course I yelled, and then some of the men yelled, and then they killed it.
All in all, I am so covered with bruises that I can't find a limb that is not black and blue. We killed two big tarantulas, I saw a scorpion, and, for the really bad part of the day, I got to wrestle with the slinky of death, also known as constantina wire.
As to the rest of the week, let me put it this way. I am so tired of the people I work with right now saying that I am worthless and lazy and can't do anything that I asked to be removed from the section. The decision is still pending.
I almost got into a fist fight with another soldier, who I have had problems with in the past and finally got tired of her attitude and rudeness towards me, and my section Sgt. quit.
All in all, I hope to never have to experience a week like this one again. I am drained, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am so tired of everything that I have been entertaining thoughts of getting out of the service early.
I am very tired now, as we only got off an hour ago, and I have been up almost 48 hours.
Sorry if this rambled, but I am just so depressed right now, I don't know what to do.
Take care, everyone.
piplover: (hope)
Hello, Everyone.
I'm just writing to say that I'm sorry if I worried any of you yesterday, and I'm sorry if I haven't responded to you. The way my computer is now, I can hardly read my email, and it won't let me respond to anything, lj or otherwise. I'm going to try and redo my hardrive sometime this weekend, so if you don't hear from me, its not because I did something stupid, or decided to leave, but because my computer has gone haywire and won't even let me on half the time.
Thank you so much to everyone for your messages of support yesterday, I can't tell you how much they meant to me. It was truly a horrible day, and I almost fell into a habbit I had hoped to be rid of.
I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing better today, and that I love you all very much. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and I'll do the same for all of you. Take care, and hopefully I'll be back up in a few days.
Thanks again, everyone.
And Jaime, if you're reading this, I love you very much, and thanks for the email. I haven't been online because of my computer, and my phone ran out of minutes and I have no money to buy more until payday. I'm all right, really. I love you, Sis. Enjoy your weekend.
piplover: (pippin)
Read more... )
piplover: (pippin)
I suppose this was created from my own problems with sleeping. It seems my medication can't make up its mind whether it wants me to be sleepy all the time or keep me awake all the time. I think I have had six hours sleep the past week, as every time I lay down to sleep my eyes pop open and I am suddenly wide awake, even though I spend the day yawning and ready to collapse. Last week I could not keep my eyes open, and found myself sleeping too much. Now I am resorting to taking Tylenol PM to try and get some rest. I am just glad that I have a four day weekend, as I can try and sleep all I want.

I can not sleep tonight. The darkness presses against my skin, holds its breath as I close my eyes. There is too much silence tonight. It has its own sound, a piercing quite that pounds in my ears.

I shift, hoping to find a new spot that brings release, that will let my mind calm and soothe my aching eyes. But the world is all black, and only darkness and stifling air greet me.

My body is limp and tired, aching in places that rest against the rough stone of the floor.

I can not sleep tonight.
piplover: (Default)
Today was safety day. This means we got to sit through five hours of such -er- fascinating lectures as propper tire pressure and the importance of drip pans.
*shakes head in the vain attempt to regain some lost braincells*
After we broke for lunch, we went to a safety fair, and that was actually kind of cool. There was a guy doing acupuncture, and I managed to work up the nerve and ask him to do something for my depression. I ended up wandering around with a needle stuck in my head and chest for about 10 minutes. But it worked, there was no pain, and it was hilariouse to see people's reactions. I feel great now.
I got my friend to try it, and even though he was hesitant at first, he admitted that he had not felt so relaxed in a long long time.
There were several people too, who were getting it done. It was great, seeing all these people walking around with needles in their heads and hands and the back of their necks. We looked like robots in uniforms!
piplover: (Default)
Now I remember the reason I held out so long to get help for my depression. I don't like medication, or the effects they have on me.
I am taking an anti-depresent now, and it is starting to help, but it makes me feel weird. Its rather like I know how I would normaly be feeling, and I don't feel that way. Like feeling a shadow of what I would normally be feeling, and rather than be happy, it's very frusterating. Does that make sense?
I don't know how else to describe it. It's like my mind is being wrapped in a blanket. I want to feel depressed and sad, and all I feel is a blank. It makes me want to toss something, because this is so unatural for me. I guess I'm just rambling right now, but it is really disconcerting.
And besides that, it makes me dizzy, so I go around walking into things all day. Sigh.
I hope that once I get used to the medication, it will not be like this.
piplover: (Default)
Have you ever had a time in your life where all the strength seems to have been sucked right out of you? When even getting up is a chore, and things that you loved doing don't even matter any more?
I was told today that in recent weeks my attitude has dropped, and I need a seriouse adjustment. They're right, but it doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.
I have been thinking of getting tattoo, even though I have none now and am rather scared of the needle. It would be the kanji for Hope, on my shoulder. That way I can never loose it. Because I feel that I am loosing it now, and it scares me.
I have only felt this way once before, the first time I found out I was sick and was waiting for the results. I hated the person I became, grumpy, scared, and mean to all around me. My friends should be awarded for their patience and putting up with me.
But now my friends are all in Iraq or Kuwait, and my Fiance is in Germany. I am on my own for this, and that scares me too. I refuse to become the nasty person I was before, and mean to fight this lethargy with all my might. I am scared, and tired, and finding it hard to be hopeful right now, but I am sure I will get over it.
So, I am going to do what I should have done the last time. I am going to write my little fingers to the nubs, and put all that stuff inside me into our beloved characters and make them suffer right along with me. Misery loves company after all. And maybe by doing that it will make me put things in perspective. After all, I have to give the characters hope. And maybe I will find it along with them.


piplover: (Default)

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