Sigh

[piplover]

Feeling particularly ugly today.  I'm trying to use less makeup, and since the only people I interact with when I'm at work are others fellow employees, some of who wear their pajamas, lol, I thought I could do it.  But I feel so self conciouse, like everyone is looking at me and thinking how horrible I look.  Which I know is not the truth, and I have to keep reminding myself that.  But that's how it feels. Not even Thing 1 telling me how pretty I am and that I'm beautiful to him helps.  Because a small part of me that wants to just hide in the corner thinks that no one should find me beautiful.  

A big part is the scars.  I never appreciated my complexion before I got all scarred up, and now it's all I can think about.  If I'm not wearing makup to cover them up, I feel like everyone must be staring at me.  And even when I wear makeup, I know people can still see that.

A lot of this is just a mental block I have to try and get through, but I can't help feeling like the only way I can be pretty again is if I put on a sack to cover my weight and a veil over my face.  Sigh.  

Comments

[shirebound]

I know how you feel. I have very bowed legs, and I was sooo self-conscious in gymnastics. After a few years, I happened to mention it, and was amazed to find out that no one had even noticed. We assume other people notice and judge much more than we think they do. Most people are focussed on themselves, not us! But those thoughts are still hard to deal with, as I know.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Yes, those thoughts are pretty hard to get away from sometimes. I mentioned it to one of the girls I work with and she told me, "I didn't even notice." I just have to keep trying.

*Hugs*

[auntiemeesh.livejournal.com]

We (as a society) wear makeup like a shield. It hides our real selves from the rest of the world. Going out without it, or with less than we're used to, can make us feel insanely vulnerable to others, especially if you feel negatively about your appearance to begin with. Give it time, though, and I bet you'll get used to it, feel less exposed and like everyone is looking at you and judging you.

*hugs*

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I hope so. I joke with my friend that makeup is my war paint, since I don't really feel comfortable going out in public without it. But that's exactly why I'm trying to go without, because I know that it's just a shield, and mostly in my mind. Those thoughts are hard to escape some days, though.

*Hugs*

[dreamflower]

(((hugs))) Our physical appearance is sometimes so much worse to ourselves than to others.

Sometimes we are not the best judge of ourselves, and we should listen to the people who affirm us.

(((more hugs)))

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I agree, and I do know I judge myself too much. A lot of people don't even notice the scars, and only those who knew me before the reaction mention them, and usually to say, "They're looking so much better!" Which helps, but still. I have to struggle not to tell Thing 1 to stop lying when he tells me I'm pretty, and just accept it as truth.

*Hugs*

[dreamflower]

After nearly 33 years of marriage, I accept that my husband truly means it when he says I'm beautiful. It doesn't mean he's lying-- it means he sees something I don't. I look in the mirror and see a fat middle-aged woman with hairs on her chin. HE thinks I'm sexy; I don't see it, but I accept that he does.

And I have to accept that while *I* think I look every one of my 57 years, other people think I look much younger than that. I don't know why, but I have to trust that to them it's the truth, because several people (some of them total strangers) have told me so.

We look at ourselves too closely and too critically sometimes-- our flaws are always much bigger and more obvious to ourselves than they are to other people.

(((hugs again)))

[feaxede-steorra.livejournal.com]

I've never used make-up in my life. Not even eye liner. I used to give "I'm allergic to most things anyway" (which is true) as an excuse, but truth of the matter is, I'm who I am, and I don't feel the need to either hide or "improve" that. (That's why I also never died my hair, or made it curly, or anything like that). I'm sure if you keep applying less make up, you will feel less exposed over time. I felt the same when I started to wear more "girly" clothes. But now I don't even think twice about it. *hugs*

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I used to be that way, never wore makeup or did my hair. Then I joined the Army and actually became more girly, lol. Now I'm trying to find a balance between being myself and presenting a face to the world that I want them to think of me. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm my own worst critic.

*Hugs*

[bronwynferchdai.livejournal.com]

I'm really not big on make-up either. I very very rarely wear it. Though, I have been known to henna my hair at random intervals.

The best I can do by way of advice is based on a friend of mine. She was in a car accident and ended up with a fairly prominent scar across her cheek. So she bought an eyepatch that she kept in her pocket and if/when people mentioned it (which I think happened like three times) or stared too obviously she'd say "It's a job-hazard." And they'd say "Oh really?" and she'd put the eyepatch on and say "Aye. I'm a pirate. Got on the wrong end of a limey cutlass." Then she'd walk away.

It occurs to me that I have profoundly strange friends.

I hope you feel better!
*HUGS*
Bronwyn

BTW, you are very pretty. I know. I've seen your graduation pictures.

[katherineokelly.livejournal.com]

I'd encourage you to think less about, "How can I look more beautiful?" or even "How can I consider myself beautiful as I am?" and instead ask yourself, "How important is beauty anyway?" In 20-40 years, we're all gonna be saggy and wrinkly anyway, so spending our younger years stressing about beauty is kind of silly. I mean, be beautiful as you are while you're young, but it helps to also focus positively on other things--working on your hobbies, your sense of humor and charity, your personal character--these are the things that will stay with you for life and enrich you in old age.

And if you don't feel too beautiful when your boy tells you so, ask him to be specific. "You're beautiful" doesn't have nearly the sincerity and believability of, "You've got gorgeous dark eyelashes" or "I love your dimples when you smile." Some boys don't get this on their own, but can be much better complimenters with this bit of advice. ;)