Ramblings of a bored mind.
Jun. 9th, 2011 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
piploverSo, I'm at work, and even though it's been busy today, I'm bored. I'm bored of customers complaining to me, and dealing with whining and pettiness. I'm bored of the stupid.
And because I'm bored, I've been thinking of things, and rambling down memories and trying to figure things out. So this is going to be a long, rambling post with probably no redeeming factors.
The fact is, I hate my job. Not just because of the customers, but because I feel useless and like I'm not using my brain. And looking back, I haven't really had a job that I liked since I got out of the Army. Not that the last 6 months I was in the Army were all that brilliant, but at least I had a purpose, I was doing something.
The Army, when I first joined, was amazing. I did things I thought I could never do, met people I would have never met, and became so much more than I thought I could be. Because they pushed me. They forced me to push myself. And it was amazing. Basic was, and probably will be, the best thing I ever did. I wasn't able to quit, even when I was so sick with walking pnuemonia that I just wanted to curl up and let the world pass me by. I never once went to sick call while I was in Basic. I didn't miss a day.
I think the fact that I had been voted the most likely to be the first to drop out was what kept me going. I'm damn stubborn, and nothing motivates me more than being told "You are going to fail." No. Hell no. So I stuck it out, between heat exhaustion and pneumonia and severe sleep deprivation. I stuck it out when, on the 3rd day, yes, the 3rd flipping day, my boots were stolen and I couldn't fit my second pair. I was scared out of my mind. I was, effectively, out of uniform! OMG, I was so scared. And when my Drill Sgt came in to find out why I wasn't down there, he rolled his eyes, told me to put my tenner shoes on, and get my ass downstairs. Wow.
So. Where was I going with that? Oh, yes. I used to push myself. I was scared, but I faced my fears and did things. Now? Now I sit at a desk all day, and deal with customers who I hate. I don't push myself, I don't leave my comfort zone. And I hate it. I feel like I'm a blob. There's no challenge. My brain is atrophying.
So why am I still working at the place I'm working at? Because the black hole which sucks resumes has struck again. I'm looking for a different job, but each resume I turn in just gives me silence. And much as I hate the job, at least I can mostly pay the bills. Sigh.
But I miss feeling like I was doing something. I miss just pushing myself. I loved England because my sister pushed me. She wouldn't let me sit around and waste my time. We were out and doing things and seeing places and it reminded me that I have to face my fears. She made me go places on my own, even though I seriously have no sense of direction. Honestly, she was boggled by my lack of direction. She would quiz me about places we had gone that day and I would have no clue! It made her laugh, but she still forced me out. And I can't thank her enough for that.
So anyway. My hatred for the slump my life has fallen into had me thinking about what I used to do, and some of my experiences. And how I can be so much more than I'm letting myself be. It reminded me that I have thrown grenades, even though my hands were literally shaking and I can't throw to save my life, literally, and felt the shrapnel go over my head, the grenade landed so close, but I did it anyway! That I have slept in the rain and marched 12 miles with a 50 pound rucksack on my back. That I faced the gas chamber and heights and even though I was so scared I was crying, I by God did it.
And I want to find that again. That ability to face my fears head on. To not be so afraid any more. I just don't know quite how to do it.
Yeah. That's all I got now.
And because I'm bored, I've been thinking of things, and rambling down memories and trying to figure things out. So this is going to be a long, rambling post with probably no redeeming factors.
The fact is, I hate my job. Not just because of the customers, but because I feel useless and like I'm not using my brain. And looking back, I haven't really had a job that I liked since I got out of the Army. Not that the last 6 months I was in the Army were all that brilliant, but at least I had a purpose, I was doing something.
The Army, when I first joined, was amazing. I did things I thought I could never do, met people I would have never met, and became so much more than I thought I could be. Because they pushed me. They forced me to push myself. And it was amazing. Basic was, and probably will be, the best thing I ever did. I wasn't able to quit, even when I was so sick with walking pnuemonia that I just wanted to curl up and let the world pass me by. I never once went to sick call while I was in Basic. I didn't miss a day.
I think the fact that I had been voted the most likely to be the first to drop out was what kept me going. I'm damn stubborn, and nothing motivates me more than being told "You are going to fail." No. Hell no. So I stuck it out, between heat exhaustion and pneumonia and severe sleep deprivation. I stuck it out when, on the 3rd day, yes, the 3rd flipping day, my boots were stolen and I couldn't fit my second pair. I was scared out of my mind. I was, effectively, out of uniform! OMG, I was so scared. And when my Drill Sgt came in to find out why I wasn't down there, he rolled his eyes, told me to put my tenner shoes on, and get my ass downstairs. Wow.
So. Where was I going with that? Oh, yes. I used to push myself. I was scared, but I faced my fears and did things. Now? Now I sit at a desk all day, and deal with customers who I hate. I don't push myself, I don't leave my comfort zone. And I hate it. I feel like I'm a blob. There's no challenge. My brain is atrophying.
So why am I still working at the place I'm working at? Because the black hole which sucks resumes has struck again. I'm looking for a different job, but each resume I turn in just gives me silence. And much as I hate the job, at least I can mostly pay the bills. Sigh.
But I miss feeling like I was doing something. I miss just pushing myself. I loved England because my sister pushed me. She wouldn't let me sit around and waste my time. We were out and doing things and seeing places and it reminded me that I have to face my fears. She made me go places on my own, even though I seriously have no sense of direction. Honestly, she was boggled by my lack of direction. She would quiz me about places we had gone that day and I would have no clue! It made her laugh, but she still forced me out. And I can't thank her enough for that.
So anyway. My hatred for the slump my life has fallen into had me thinking about what I used to do, and some of my experiences. And how I can be so much more than I'm letting myself be. It reminded me that I have thrown grenades, even though my hands were literally shaking and I can't throw to save my life, literally, and felt the shrapnel go over my head, the grenade landed so close, but I did it anyway! That I have slept in the rain and marched 12 miles with a 50 pound rucksack on my back. That I faced the gas chamber and heights and even though I was so scared I was crying, I by God did it.
And I want to find that again. That ability to face my fears head on. To not be so afraid any more. I just don't know quite how to do it.
Yeah. That's all I got now.
