Ramblings of a bored mind.

[piplover]

So, I'm at work, and even though it's been busy today, I'm bored. I'm bored of customers complaining to me, and dealing with whining and pettiness.  I'm bored of the stupid. 

And because I'm bored, I've been thinking of things, and rambling down memories and trying to figure things out. So this is going to be a long, rambling post with probably no redeeming factors. 

The fact is, I hate my job.  Not just because of the customers, but because I feel useless and like I'm not using my brain.  And looking back, I haven't really had a job that I liked since I got out of the Army.  Not that the last 6 months I was in the Army were all that brilliant, but at least I had a purpose, I was doing something.  

The Army, when I first joined, was amazing.  I did things I thought I could never do, met people I would have never met, and became so much more than I thought I could be.  Because they pushed me. They forced me to push myself.  And it was amazing.  Basic was, and probably will be, the best thing I ever did.  I wasn't able to quit, even when I was so sick with walking pnuemonia that I just wanted to curl up and let the world pass me by.  I never once went to sick call while I was in Basic. I didn't miss a day.  

I think the fact that I had been voted the most likely to be the first to drop out was what kept me going. I'm damn stubborn, and nothing motivates me more than being told "You are going to fail."  No.  Hell no.  So I stuck it out, between heat exhaustion and pneumonia and severe  sleep deprivation.  I stuck it out when, on the 3rd day, yes, the 3rd flipping day, my boots were stolen and I couldn't fit my second pair. I was scared out of my mind.  I was, effectively, out of uniform!  OMG, I was so scared.  And when my Drill Sgt came in to find out why I wasn't down there, he rolled his eyes, told me to put my tenner shoes on, and get my ass downstairs.  Wow.  

So. Where was I going with that? Oh, yes. I used to push myself. I was scared, but I faced my fears and did things. Now?  Now I sit at a desk all day, and deal with customers who I hate.  I don't push myself, I don't leave my comfort zone.  And I hate it.  I feel like I'm a blob.  There's no challenge.  My brain is atrophying. 

So why am I still working at the place I'm working at?  Because the black hole which sucks resumes has struck again. I'm looking for a different job, but each resume I turn in just gives me silence. And much as I hate the job, at least I can mostly pay the bills.  Sigh.

But I miss feeling like I was doing something. I miss just pushing myself. I loved England because my sister pushed me. She wouldn't let me sit around and waste my time. We were out and doing things and seeing places and it reminded me that I have to face my fears.  She made me go places on my own, even though I seriously have no sense of direction. Honestly, she was boggled by my lack of direction. She would quiz me about places we had gone that day and I would have no clue!  It made her laugh, but she still forced me out.  And I can't thank her enough for that.  

So anyway.  My hatred for the slump my life has fallen into had me thinking about what I used to do, and some of my experiences.  And how I can be so much more than I'm letting myself be.  It reminded me that I have thrown grenades, even though my hands were literally shaking and I can't throw to save my life, literally, and felt the shrapnel go over my head, the grenade landed so close, but I did it anyway!  That I have slept in the rain and marched 12 miles with a 50 pound rucksack on my back.  That I faced the gas chamber and heights and even though I was so scared I was crying, I by God did it.

And I want to find that again.  That ability to face my fears head on.  To not be so afraid any more.  I just don't know quite how to do it.  


Yeah.  That's all I got now.  

Comments

[azur-infinie.livejournal.com]

Hey! I wanted to let you know that I added you as I used to love reading your stories (I used to write LOTR fic too, as Pipwise). And I'm commenting now because I understand how you feel and feel the same way a lot of the time. I haven't been in the army, but I have faced fears and pushed myself and taken giant leaps into the unknown. And yet I still get frustrated and bored in the job I'm in. I think that if we can't be challenged in our jobs and yet can't leave either, that it is worth trying to challenge ourselves even if we just do it in our free time. Maybe take up classes in something, or volunteer - I don't know, maybe you do that already. But it's something! We don't have to be defined by the jobs we do.

And I hope this isn't weird considering you probably don't know me :)

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Hello!

I remember you! Nice to see you again!

I am looking into going back to school in the fall and trying to get my Paralegal. Only thing is, I have a BA, but it really isn't doing me much good. I guess I'm just tired of feeling like I've invested a lot of time and money so that I wouldn't have to be dealing with customers all day, and yet here I am. Sigh. It sucks being an adult sometimes!

[shirebound]

Do you know that not a week goes by that I don't read at least a chapter from one of your Pipfan stories on SOA? I find them so soothing.

I know you're frustrated. I wish I could quit my job and take a long rest and let my wrists and hands heal, but keeping the rent paid is such an overwhelming need. Keep sending those resumes, my friend! Don't stop, and try to give yourself little pleasures now and then. I hope things get better for your heart and spirit.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Thanks, sweetie! I wish I felt creative again, I miss writing so much. I'm trying to force myself to write on the weekends, but I just feel so... blah... about it.

I am going to keep looking for new jobs, but you are right, paying the rent and bills really is important and I can't afford to just quit. Sigh.

*Huggles*

[dreamflower]

Sweetie, at least you know that you have done it! Some people don't even have that much to go on. But I understand that you don't want to only rest on the past-- all I can say is, keep on keeping on, sending out those resumes and filling out those apps, because sooner or later something will come along.

(((hugs)))

(And I agree with Shirebound: I still love your stories; a few of them will ever remain on my all-time favorites list!)

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh, thanks, hon!

I'm going to keep trying, but it just feels overwhelming some days. Like I'm going to be forever stuck dealing with customer complaining and being mean. Sigh.

[forcryinoutloud.livejournal.com]

I don't think I ever asked you this, but what exactly did you do in the army? My sister and brother in law were both in the military, my sister for 11 years, my brother in law for 20 something years. But my sister, after she left the military, joined the reserves and is currently working on base where they're at. I was just wondering, since you got such joy out of the military if that was a possibility? I'm not sure I've ever read why you left the military, so I don't know if it even is a possibility you'd want to look at. But perhaps the reserves would be something you could do and feel inspired again, feel purposeful again? Maybe, if there's a military base close to you, you could even look into a job there? It's got to be better than listening to crabby customers (believe me, I know - working for United Airlines reservations was one of the worst experiences of my life!). ;)

And YAY, the zine came yesterday. *hugs* Thanks hon!

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I was a radio operator. Or, the official title, a multi-channel transmissions system operator/maintainer. I worked with antennas and radio signal to provide secure communications to those who were in the middle of nowhere. If I had gone to Iraq or Afghanistan I would have been placed close to the front to provide secure communications to those who didn't have any.

I could get a job working for the local cable company, but the only problem is because of my injuries I can't lift the weight required to perform the duties. We used to have to lift 75 pound bags on a regular basis and set up the equipment. It's a very physically demanding job, and I just couldn't do it anymore. When I got out, I did look into if I could join the Reserves or Guard, but because of my injuries, I'm not able to. I busted my knee and have compressed disks in my back, so that keeps me from doing a lot of stuff. Sigh.

I'm glad the zine came! Yay!

[amaraal.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel!!! I'm 'suffering' from the same kind of thing. Having had my uterus removed, not able to lift anything heavier than a bottle of coke. And now searching to get my courage back :) Yes, sitting at home reading everything you ever wanted to read or writing some fluffy fics now and then can be a good distraction. But one has to be confident to find something meaningful and fulfilling in life :) You have to search for it for your own and never quit doing so. Life is a bitch! But having an annoying job is better than living of social welfare. Believe me. Then you are really down... So - chin up! and try it again :)