That's... unexpected

[piplover]

Wow. I have drama in my life. Of the romantic kind. Who would have thought? Oh, Flist, I need your advice, because I am so out of the game I am confused! [Poll #1420072]

Comments

[demotu.livejournal.com]

Dude. If boy 1 has made it clear he doesn't want anything but benefits, he does NOT get to complain if you date someone else - and you definitely should, even if you're not sure you like them as much, because hey, boy 1 has made it clear there's no permanence in that arrangement and could disappear at any time, so it has no chance of growing into something else!

He is a drama king. You are not.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I agree. I think Boy 1 had his chance and I'm going to give Boy 2 his. We had a really fun time today, and he was such a gentleman. We're going on a second date next week, and I'm actually pretty comfy with that. My only regret is that Boy 1 seems to be distancing himself from me now, and he really is a sweetheart who I would love to have as a friend. I guess the ball is in his court now.

[dreamflower]

OK, here's my take-- it's possible Boy 1 is being cautious, because of his mother. His reaction to 2 may not be exactly jealousy, but more of an ego thing-- not jealousy of YOU, but jealousy about the other guy getting your attention.

I don't see your question as drama-ish. You aren't moaning and wailing, and all you are trying to do is figure out the dynamics of the situation, which is confusing to you for a good reason.

Here's a small truth: "benefits" complicate a friendship, and make the relationship something that is more than a friendship but less than a romance, which confuses all parties involved.

(((hugs))) I hope you can figure it all out without getting hurt, sweetie!

[piplover.livejournal.com]

*Huggles*

Thanks, hon. I think you are very right. Boy 1 went a little weird after I asked him if he thought his friend liked me. It confused me at first because he made it clear that he didn't really want a relationship. But then he started acting as though I had hurt his feelings. So... Gah, boys are stupid sometimes.

And you are right, "benefits" complicate friendships, though I had hoped that we were both mature enough to handle those complications. I guess I was wrong.

[tarlanx]

Boy 1 is a user. He wants all the benefits with none of the commitment. He will drop you whenever it isn't convenient for HIM.

Boy 2 is actually showing some respect and interest in YOU.

Now Boy 2 is on the scene, Boy 1 is getting possessive because he is losing the 'good thing he has going at no cost to himself'. If you dropped Boy 2 then Boy 1 will just revert to using you again.

So... I think you would be wise to give Boy 2 a chance.

[melanyebaggins.livejournal.com]

*agrees completely*

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I think you're 100% right. Boy 2 was very sweet and respectful today, and it was a very fun date. We're going out again next week. My only lingering worry is that I don't want to hurt Boy 1, even if he is being stupid at the moment.

[tarlanx]

If Boy1 truly is a friend then he will still be a friend - after all, what you had was no-strings-attached.

Glad your date went well.

[melanyebaggins.livejournal.com]

You're perfectly free to pursue something with Boy 2...after all, Boy 1 made his position perfectly clear. And since you got no confirmation from him about today, then nuts to him. Don't wait around on someone who told you plainly they don't want anything serious from you, 'cause that'll just hold you back. It's irrational of him to tell you he doesn't want a relationship with you, but expect you to not move on to someone who might.

Having said that, you still don't know Boy 2's intentions. Be careful.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

I will be careful, I promise. Boy 2 was very respectful today, and very sweet. I'm still a little leery, but we had fun, and we're going out again next week. I still worry about Boy 1, because I don't want to hurt him, but he had his chance, and honestly, I think he missed out.

[forcryinoutloud.livejournal.com]

As everyone else has already said, from the sounds of it, Boy 1 is only acting pissy because of the possibility that his benefits without strings might be cut off if Boy 2 were to enter the picture in a more serious manner. Even though you're still not sure about Boy 2, don't give up the chance of something with some permanence when Boy 1 has already told you he has no interest whatsoever in your relationship going beyond "benefits" stage. As the commentor above said, things become much more complicated once a friendship enters the whole with benefits thing. In the end, you have to decide what YOU want more. A friendship and sex with a man who has told you that is all he will ever want from you or possibly, friendship, sex and an actual relationship with the guy that is, from the sounds of it, trying to treat you with the respect, attention and caring that you deserve and, again, from the sounds of it, are not getting from Boy 1.

*huggles* Good luck with whatever you decide honey.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

Thanks, sweety. Boy 2 was very respectful and sweet today, and we're going out again next week. I think that Boy 1 is just being pissy because he doesn't want to share, which is silly because he was the one who said he didn't want a relationship in the first place. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm not going to wait around for him, either.

[forcryinoutloud.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're welcome!

I'm glad that things went well with Boy 2!! *G* And yeah, that's all it is, which is utterly selfish and totally ridiculous on his part. You deserve better. Maybe Boy 2 will be it. ;)

[glorfinniel.livejournal.com]

I'd say go out with boy 2. As is said above, if boy 1 insisted that it is nothing more than friends with benefits then you're free to go out with whoever you want. Go for it and I hope you have fun! :)

[piplover.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

It was a very fun date, and he was very sweet and respectful. We're going out again next week. I don't want to hurt Boy 1, but I'm thinking he had his chance and he missed it, and Boy 2 seems to really want to try dating. So... wish me luck!

[valderys.livejournal.com]

Ok, if he'll let you, you could talk to Boy 1 - Boy 2 sounds like a better bet, but that's neither here nor there if you like Boy 1 better, because you'll always mildly regret stuff. You are perfectly at liberty to date Boy 2, Boy 1 has made that perfectly clear, but it in no way surprises me that Boy 1 is all pissy about it now. If you can talk to him about it, maybe you can find out whether jealousy will make him realise that actually he'd quite like an actual relationship now. Of course, him being a boy and therefore emotionally retarded, this may not be possible, but it *might* be worth trying.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I would love to talk to Boy 1, but he's been pretty distant, and the only way I've been able to speak to him is at work, and this I think requires a setting someplace else. I don't want to hurt him, because I do like him and care for him, but I'm also thinking that he had his chance and missed it. Boy 2 was very sweet and respectful today, and we're planning on going out again. I hope Boy 1 will stay my friend, because I do care for him, but...

[cottontail.livejournal.com]

I love this poll. I don't know why I never thought to do polls for my own "does he like me or am I a drama queen?" issues.

I think we need more information about how Boy 1 is acting before determining if he's being a drama king. Do you mean his not calling you back and ignoring texts is him being a drama king? Actually, I don't think I'm even qualified to answer this one because I have NO clue what men are thinking. Sometimes they seem just stupid as rocks and need lots of instruction. Other times they seem to know exactly what they are doing and how to play females. *sigh*

I'm struggling with question 3 also. I've been asking myself this same question for over a year now, since The Crush entered my life. Sometimes it seems good that I'm no longer such a hermit. Other times I wish I was back to my hermit ways, because I was more creative back then. Now I'm just all about The Crush and nothing else. It's kinda sad.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Lol! See, I don't think I'm qualified to answer this, either, which is why I asked everyone else. Men say women are hard to read, which is true, but they're just as hard, I think!

Anyway, I think Boy 2 could be really good for me, so I'm going to give him a try. I don't want to hurt Boy 1, but he's making it difficult to talk to him, and I think he just missed his chance.

I understand about The Crush sucking all your energy and creativity. Boys seem to do that, too.

[feaxede-steorra.livejournal.com]

Sounds to me like boy 1 was already "acting weird" before you agreed to go out with boy 2.

[nolan-ash.livejournal.com]

Boy 1 is a user. He wants all the benefits with none of the commitment. He will drop you whenever it isn't convenient for HIM.

Boy 2 is actually showing some respect and interest in YOU.

Totally agreed with this. I wouldn't project assumptions onto Boy 1 about his mood, though. His pissiness could have absolutely nothing to do with you or Boy 2--Maybe there's something else wrong in his life. So you earned a "maybe" from me in the drama queen department because you should really never assume why someone is acting the way they are. Unless he tells you that's why he's acting this way (or you ask), you really don't know.

That said, I think the "benefits" relationships are waaaaay too risky and volatile and Boy 1 sounds like a tool so you're better off without him. =P

Finally, I think it would be polite to secure a definite "yes" or "no" from Boy 1 if you invited him over first. If I invited a friend and only got a "maybe", I'd push that person for a final answer before accepting plans with a second party for the same day. At the very least, I'd leave a message with the first person saying, "I couldn't get a final answer from you, so I made other plans. How about we get together [Tuesday] instead?" Might be a bit of a social faux pas there.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

You are right, and I did assume things. Things got cleared up today, and I feel a little guilty now. There was a very good reason Boy 1 did not respond to my texts or phone, and even though I did try to contact him two days before Boy 2 and I went out, and the day of, he never got back to me. So I agree with you on that part, too. Wow, dating is hard work!

[bronwynferchdai.livejournal.com]

Boy 1 is asking for it, he really is. But as someone who spends ninety percent of her time with boys between the ages of 14 and 25, eight percent of her time with men between 25 and 65 and the rest of her time with women, I offer my own conclusions.

Men (and by extension boys) live by what I call the 90/10 rule. Ninety percent of the time, any given man is a bright, wonderful, considerate creature. The other ten percent is made up of pure, unadulterated stupid.

If Boy 1 likes you as a friend, then he had already formed a deep and abiding emotional attachment to you. Now, whether anyone likes it or not, Boy 1 formed this attachment whilst also thinking of you as a sexual creature. How do I know this? Because he's having sex with you. In fact, Boy 1 is balls-deep in a relationship with you. He talks to you and spends time with you and relies on you for at least some emotional support and attention. He also enjoys sex with you. Now, if I am correct in my analysis (based on admittedly limited information) Boy 1 is scared absolutely spitless at the idea of a relationship. But this is perfect then, isn't it? Friends with benefits. And life continues, tra-la.

What then inevitably happens is that someone (likely one of Boy 1's friends) informs him that he's a big r-tard and he's got a girlfriend. Alternatively (and this may be more likely in your case) one of Boy 1's friends comes up to him and says "Hey, Pip is hot. You wouldn't mind if I asked her out, right?" At which point, Boy 1 - who has backed himself into a stupid-shaped corner - says "No. We're just friends." Meanwhile, his little internal voice is shrieking "NO NO NO MINE MINE MINE!" like a big whiny girly girl.

Then Boy 1 spirals into a weird little emotional quagmire as he attempts to examine his feelings without having to actually admit that he has them. If he's anything like the men I know, he's stuck on the question "Do I really like Pip? Or do I like Pip because someone else wants her?"

That question, I cannot answer as I do not know Boy 1 from the drag queen down the street.

Boy 2 is just Boy 2. Do with him what you will.

Where you may be overreacting is if Boy 1 really is a mature and honest example of the human species, then he may be attempting to let Boy 2 do his thing without coming out and telling you "Hey, I'm backing off so a friend of mine can take a swing." I don't think this is terribly likely, but it's been known to happen.

This shit part of the whole deal is the friendship with Boy 1 may be dead like a dead thing if this doesn't get resolved. My advice (like you want it after this little diatribe) is be blunt, to the point and just ask Boy 1. You know "Hey, Boy 1, are you pissed at me for choosing to spend time with Boy 2 and perhaps foster a romantic liason because you would prefer to connect romantically with me yourself? Or are you not interested in a romantic connection with me and are instead pissed off because you fear losing your only source of regular sex - allow me to repeat that only source of regular sex? Or are you just a territorial asshat?"

You know. Something like that.

I wish you all the luck in the world, darling.
Bronwyn

[piplover.livejournal.com]

****Where you may be overreacting is if Boy 1 really is a mature and honest example of the human species, then he may be attempting to let Boy 2 do his thing without coming out and telling you "Hey, I'm backing off so a friend of mine can take a swing." I don't think this is terribly likely, but it's been known to happen.****

This is actually exactly what happened. Boy 1 and I talked today, and he explained that he knew Boy 2 was interested, and wanted to give him room, so he was backing off. Also, he wasn't getting my texts, which was why he wasn't answering.

I'm really happy because Boy 1 was honestly happy for Boy 2 and myself, and I feel a bit low for thinking the worse. Although the way he did it could have left a lot to be desired, his heart really was in the right place, and I'm glad he's my friend.

Also, your analysis of the boy mindset is hilarious and so spot on!! You really do understand them, which is kind of scary, lol.

[bronwynferchdai.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I just spend WAAAAY too much time with men and boys. Oddly, this familiarity is hell on the dating life because I don't know how to act like a girl when dealing with men. I act like one of them because it's the most efficient way to communicate. Which leads to frustratingly hilarious conversations like this:

Boy: What would you like to do tonight?

Me: I would like to see a movie or go to dinner or both.

Boy: What movie would you like to see?

Me: I would like to see Transformers or Star Trek.

Boy: How about ~insert stupid romantic comedy here~?

Me: *raised eyebrows* I'm not particularly interested, but if you'd like to see it, I have no objection.

Boy: I'm trying to give you what you want.

Me: I want Transformers. Or Star Trek. I said that.

Boy: Yeah but you're just trying to make me happy, which I appreciate, but we can go see what you want to see.

Me: I WANT TO SEE TRANSFORMERS OR STAR TREK!

Boy: Insipid romantic comedy it is!

I just don't get it sometimes. The rules change when the word date is involved and I don't know them.

But I do know men.

Ah well! I'm glad Boy 1 turned out to be a wonderful human! Go you! Grab Boy 2 and run!
Bronwyn